December 6, 2024

• 0
• 0

The Impact of Our Childhood on Our Adult Relationships

Imago philosophy says our earliest interactions with caretakers creates an “image” called the Imago. This image informs how we handle our adult relationships.

How exactly does that work?

Essentially, those interactions are etched into our memory, forming a template. This template guides how we select intimate partners and form adult relationships. Because of this, our chosen partners tend to possess traits similar to the combined traits — both positive and negative — of our parents or caretakers. 

We also typically gravitate toward someone with defense mechanisms opposite to our own. In other words, we prefer partners who at least seem to be incompatible with us. This is what is meant when people say “opposites attract.”

So how did we get here? It starts with our original connection. 

Our Childhood Experiences: Joyful Connection vs. Angst

Our connection to one another is considered the “true nature” of our being. We survive — and thrive — on human connection. Most of us, however, struggle to make connections and feel real joy. Why? 

Imago philosophy says no one’s parents — even those with the best intentions — were attuned to our needs for connection and joy as we grew. Instead, they were intrusive on one end of the spectrum and neglectful on the other. 

This ruptured our original sense of joyful connection. And all of our individual experiences have culminated over the years to leave us with a diminished sense of connectivity and being “alive.” 

Since connecting to one another is a survival mechanism, not finding this needed connection triggers anxiety. So we self-regulate.

Our Adult Relationships: We Use Previously-Developed Coping Mechanisms

When we felt anxious because of that missed connection, we began turning inward. With each instance of our caretakers rejecting us (intentionally or not), we became increasingly intent (some may say obsessed) with signaling to them that we weren’t getting what we need.

We did this in one of two ways:

1. escalating our energy or
2. constricting it by withdrawing.

Over and over, we repeated whichever of those distress signals provided us with the most (temporary) relief until it became embedded in our character. 

Which do you do? Do you escalate situations? The squeaky wheel gets the oil, right? Or do you withdraw and constrict yourself? What does your partner do?

Those who escalate likely had neglectful caretakers. It’s their way of seeking comfort when they feel unsafe. Those who constrict probably had parents who were overbearing or intrusive. They don’t want to be noticed — even if they have a problem — because they’ve been conditioned to believe it brings angst, anxiety, and pain.

Eventually, we become so absorbed in our own struggles that we lose the ability to feel empathy. Those around us become objects with a singular role: to satisfy our unmet needs.

Symbiotic Consciousness: Our Coping Mechanisms Are an Illusion

The cycle we’ve enslaved ourselves to individually leaves no room for us to consider anyone else’s perspective. We assume the people in our lives see the world exactly as we do. 

However, this is an illusion. It’s called symbiotic consciousness. And when the illusion is broken and our partner doesn’t play the role we’ve assigned them, we punish them.

This creates a new cycle of negativity. Yet we tell ourselves it’s okay, because even when the interactions don’t feel joyful or life-giving, they at least provide some level of connection. Though they are the opposite of what we truly hope for, feeling connected is better than being alone. 

This is especially true when those interactions feel familiar to our formative experiences. Unfortunately, accepting this pattern almost always results in broken relationships and unhappiness. 

Starting to feel depressed? Don’t worry, there’s hope.

It starts with recognizing the true and often tangible impact our childhood has on our current relationships. Doing this is the first step in understanding how to remain committed and to move into a more conscious and healthy phase of a long-term relationship. 

Navigate this new recognition more easily by working through it with a neutral third party. Oakland relationship therapist Dana Cole can help — all you have to do is get in touch. (Ask about our teletherapy services!)

Originally published 4/15/2020. Updated 12/6/2024.