Meet Your Oakland Couples Therapist, Dana Cole, LMFT

Pulling Yourself Out of a Relationship Spiral

Instagram might convince you otherwise, but every couple experiences ups and downs in their relationship. You know what it feels like at the bottom of a downward relationship spiral. You lock yourself out of the house. You don’t eat often enough. You get a rejection letter from a coveted job. And when your partner isn’t 100% listening to your complaints, your mood sours. He retreats to another room, feeling badgered and hurt. You both wonder what went wrong. (more…)

The Art (and Importance) of Making Meaningful Apologies

“Sorry I forgot to pick up your prescription…” “I didn’t mean it like that…” If you’re in a relationship – especially one where you live together – you probably find some form of apology slipping out all the time. Sometimes it lands, sometimes it doesn’t. (more…)

Ways You and Your Partner Can Make Effective Requests of...

If you’re reading this right now, you’re probably invested in creating the healthiest, most positive relationship possible. And while every relationship is unique, you can rely on one key in particular to help yourself get the relationship you want. (more…)

Do You Have a Conscious Relationship? Here Are the Signs

You and your partner have gone to therapy. You’ve attended workshops. You make an effort to practice communicating with each other. You’ve read about having a “conscious relationship.” (more…)

Meeting Your Partner’s Needs Fills in Your Missing Puzzle Pieces

In the heat of marriage conflict, you may find it difficult to imagine that energy leading anywhere constructive. (more…)

The Importance of Taking Turns in Conversation

Therapy offers many effective tools to improve your relationship, whether married, long-term, or just starting to get serious (before then, you’ll want to focus on building trust!). (more…)

Growing into Your Relationship Means Learning How to Stretch

In our last post, we talked about how most couples experience incompatibility eventually. We also detailed the universal emergence of the Power Struggle, plus its foundation: “Why can’t you be more like me?” (more…)

Yes, You Really Are Incompatible — and That’s a Good...

Relationship incompatibility seems like a bad thing, right? After all, we’re flooded with ways to discern compatibility from the get-go: magazine quizzes, personality types, zodiac signs... The message from everywhere seems to be: you want to be compatible. Yet conflicts arise in even the most simpatico marriages. Especially in peaceful partnerships, an argument can feel as alarming as an earthquake. Fear not! Far from relationship incompatibility being a deal-breaker, you can actually use incompatibilities to build a stronger relationship in the long run. How so? (more…)

Romantic Love May Be the Best Kind of Bait-and-Switch

You’ve likely heard of the “honeymoon” or “infatuation” stage of romantic love -- and you’ve almost definitely experienced it. This is the time when you feel like your partner is amazing and perfect and can do no wrong. When you want to be around them all the time and may even feel physical discomfort when you are apart. When you hunger for them. There is no denying that this is an amazing time and an incredible feeling. But it’s important to realize that it’s not really your partner who is creating those feelings. Not exactly. What is? (more…)

How to Be Surprising and Fun… By Making a Plan

Why should you make a plan to be surprising and fun with your partner? “Relationship” with a capital R can feel like a heavy obligation supported by serious conversations and continual compromise. Sometimes that’s true. At pivotal moments, we must work to maintain a healthy, committed relationship. But there’s an often overlooked backbone that helps couples last. What is the glue that holds us together through thick and thin? The answer is simple: have fun and surprise each other! Of course, sometimes that's a lot easier said than done. "Be surprising and fun" can be a lot of pressure. What...