Meet Your Oakland Couples Therapist, Dana Cole, LMFT

The Impact of Our Childhood on Our Adult Relationships

Imago philosophy says our earliest interactions with caretakers creates an "image" called the Imago. This image informs how we handle our adult relationships. How exactly does that work? (more…)

Keeping Romance Alive: Imago Relationship Stages in Mature Relationships

The first time you fell for someone, everything was raw and exciting – that whirlwind of attraction and newness. The phrase "relationship stages" was probably 1000 miles away from your mind. Yet, inevitably, the transition occurs when those “love chemicals” start to fade, and you receive a more realistic – sometimes disappointing – view of your partner. And how you reconcile that natural change: whether that means powerful emotion swings involving fighting and making up, deciding to live parallel lives, breaking up altogether or, ideally, forging a conscious relationship. You didn’t know anything, so you probably made a lot of...

Use the New Year to Set Intentions for Your Relationship

Everyone knows about New Year’s resolutions. Even if you don’t typically make your own, you’ve likely heard countless people talking about eating better, going to the gym more, giving up smoking, or any of a million personal goals they might set. Have you ever thought about creating goals like this with your partner, though? I’m not talking about working out together, either – this is about setting intentions for your relationship. What does that mean? Intentions, Not Goals The first thing to note about this is the word “intentions.” While having goals can be inspiring, it can also feel...

Simple Tips to Deepen Emotional Intimacy After Having a Baby

“Becoming a parent is an amazing, wonderful, life-changing experience. You will never feel the same sense of love and responsibility as you do for your newborn, this tiny creature, so completely dependent on you. Many people feel a surge of newfound nurturing – and even a sense of pride and accomplishment as you watch your little one grow. You and your partner – you did this! You two will feel connected like never before as you deepen emotional intimacy during early parenthood. And the journey is just beginning.” We Interrupt This Daydream of Parenting With… Reality That’s a nice...

How Maintaining Individuality Can Lead to a Long-Lasting Relationship

In the world of modern relationships, the idea of maintaining individuality within a partnership may seem counterintuitive. After all, aren't relationships about becoming one, sharing everything, and losing yourself in the other person? If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you may know that my answer will be a resounding “no.” While there is undeniable beauty when two people merge their lives in constructive ways, the key to a long-lasting, healthy relationship lies in finding a balance between deep connection and the preservation and nurturing of your individual identity. Since you can already find countless posts...

Embracing Quality Time and Unlocking Moments That Matter This Fall

Autumn is a time for returning to routines and getting back into the swing of things, but it can also provide opportunities to create lasting memories with loved ones. As the days get shorter and the temperature falls, it's essential to prioritize quality time and embrace the moments that truly matter. Finding the perfect balance between spending more time with your partner and ensuring the quality of those moments can be a challenge many couples face. It's natural for each individual to have expectations regarding how much time they should spend together and how to make those moments truly special. ...

How to Open the Communication Door to Your Partner

Effective communication is a vital aspect of any romantic or platonic relationship. Keeping the communication door open helps to cultivate a sense of closeness and intimacy between individuals. Many couples, however, struggle with communicating their needs and wants. The key to effective communication is to express yourself in a healthy way and listen to your partner. How do you do this? Determine Your Communication Style Understanding your communication style is the first step toward opening the communication door. By being self-aware of your communication style, you'll be able to recognize when you are blocking effective communication and take steps to...

How to Process Forgiveness in Your Relationships

Forgiveness forms an inevitable aspect of any relationship, whether it is romantic or platonic. It is essential to learn how to forgive in a relationship, especially if you’re trying to move forward after a major hurt or betrayal has occurred. However, processing forgiveness is not always easy. It requires a lot of work and introspection, and it has no definite timeline. The Process of Processing Forgiveness First and foremost, it is essential to recognize that realizing forgiveness is itself a process. You may need days, weeks, months, or even years to work through the hurt, pain, and anger that come...

Low Expectations, High Standards: A Surprising Equation for a Happy...

As an Imago therapist, I often work with couples who feel stuck, disconnected, or dissatisfied with their marriage. Why does this happen? One common issue that can arise in relationships is a mismatch between expectations and standards – and you may be surprised to hear that it's beneficial to have high standards in a relationship. Some people maintain low standards for their relationship, while others' expectations are too difficult to meet. In fact, many have that exact combination, which can be a recipe for dissatisfaction. In fact, research has shown that the equation for a happy marriage is combining low...

Forget Valentine’s Day – February Is Healthy Relationships Month!

Are you worried about making a big enough gesture for Valentine’s Day? The pressure is real, especially if your partner really gets into the gushy side of this (arguably fictitious) holiday. But there’s another side to February that reminds you to keep your feet on the ground – not just on the Eiffel Tower while heart-shaped fireworks explode all around you: February is Healthy Relationships Month. Green Flags: How Do You Know If You’re in a Healthy Relationship? While you might automatically be able to list red flags, warning signs, or toxic behaviors in a relationship, would you just as...