Meet Your Oakland Couples Therapist, Dana Cole, LMFT

What Does It Take to Create an Emotional Safety Zone...

Where are the “emotional safety zones” in your life? These are relationships where you can express difficult emotions without fear of rejection. You may have experienced this with close family members, tight-knit friends, or even communities like a church, sangha, or group therapy. But perhaps the most important person you can share a safety zone with is your spouse or romantic partner. After all, they're who most of us are coming home to at the end of the day -- both physically and emotionally. Unfortunately, it's all too easy to interact in ways that make you and your partner feel...

Stop Having Frustrations — Start Having Requests

Remember the last time a conversation reached an impasse in your relationship? Instead of seeing your partner as a teammate, you suddenly saw them as an obstacle to your happiness. It’s an unpleasant but universal occurrence as we grow closer in romantic relationships. When we first start dating, we are hyper-focused on our partner. This can give the impression of almost having ESP. But eventually it fades. As we grow more comfortable with each other, we actually become more neglectful of each other’s needs -- unintentionally, of course. This can lead to feeling frustrated. Because your needs aren’t being met....

Why You Need to Close the Exits in Your Marriage

“Close the exits.” When you hear that phrase in reference to your marriage, what does it make you think about? Do you imagine someone getting a divorce? Having an affair? While those are certainly good examples of ways that people can “exit” a relationship, they’re just scratching the surface. In reality, a marriage “exit” is anything that allows you to back away from dealing with an issue in your relationship. (more…)

How to Recognize Your Relationship’s Power Struggle

It’s never fun to feel disappointed, frustrated, or angry with your partner. Many couples break up because one or both people can’t handle the constant push-pull of what they want from their partner compared to what they are actually getting. In Imago therapy, this is called the power struggle, and it is a necessary and important process to go through. Why? Because, as frustrating as it can be, it helps you to both grow closer to your partner and to gain a better understanding of yourself. What exactly is a power struggle? (more…)

What Is the Imago — and Why Does It Matter...

Imago is Latin for “image.” In Imago relationship therapy, the Imago is the unconscious image you carry with you of your perfect partner. That’s right -- at least subconsciously, you already think you know who Mr. (or Ms.) Right is. It’s why we’re drawn towards certain types of people in our love life. Which sounds like a good thing, right? Our brains are unconsciously pushing us towards the right person. The person who will be perfect for us and give us that “happily ever after” we’ve all been trained to want! Not exactly. (more…)

Improve Communication with the Couples Dialogue

Do you feel like your partner never really listens to you? Do they complain that you don’t talk to them about things? What's going on here? Can both be true? Yes. And it means that you need to improve communication. Sounds familiar, right? After all, we’ve been told over and over again that good, effective communication is one of the secrets of a strong, long-lasting relationship. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t very good at it. The good news? Just like anything else, communicating effectively is a skill. That means you can learn it. You just need the right tools. (more…)

Couples Quiz: Our Visions for Our Relationship

You feel like your partner isn’t being romantic enough. They feel like you criticize them too much. When there's dissatisfaction in a relationship, it's often because the reality isn’t matching up to your relationship vision -- what you believe that relationship should be. Here's the real kicker, though -- many people don’t even realize they have a vision! In Imago, we have couples work to figure out what that vision is -- separately and then together. How does that work? With a couples quiz. (more…)

The Mystery of Attraction

You've probably heard some people talk about their knees getting weak. Or being “drawn toward” someone. This kind of attraction is like a seismic shift inside their very being — immediate and hard-hitting. Other couplings start off far more calmly. Maybe two people feel comfortable with each other, but not particularly moved. Strong feelings develop over time, but even then those feelings aren’t particularly dramatic. Which is better? Neither. (more…)

How to Make a SMART Request of Your Partner

You know that relationships thrive (or wither) based on communication. You need to be able to ask your partner for what you want. And vice versa. Unfortunately, most of us still struggle with this. Either we hem and haw to avoid what feels like an uncomfortable conversation, or we “ask” for change by complaining and blaming. And when we do manage to make a straightforward request, we often make it hard for our partners to understand exactly how to fulfill that request. Thankfully, Imago has a solution for that: the SMART request. (more…)

Every Relationship Frustration Is a Goldmine for Growth

Been thinking more about couples therapy lately? When you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s a given that you’ll feel frustrated with your partner at one time or another. Often, these frustrations can seem both silly and vitally important at the same time. But why? (more…)