You feel like your partner isn’t being romantic enough. They feel like you criticize them too much.
When there is dissatisfaction in a relationship, it is often because the reality isn’t matching up to your relationship vision — what you believe that relationship should be. And here’s the kicker — many people don’t even realize they have a vision!
In Imago, we have couples work to figure out what that vision is — separately and then together.
How does that work? With a couples quiz.
It starts with each person detailing their individual relationship vision. You do this by asking yourself what your ideal love relationship looks like and writing those things down in a list.
This list will include both things that are already present in your relationship and things that you hope to bring about. And everything in the list should be written in a positive manner. For example, instead of “No arguing,” you would write something like “We work together to settle differences amicably” in the couples quiz.
Here are a few starter questions to help you come up with more ideas on what kinds of things to write:
Obviously, these are just a few examples. Your questions — and particularly the answers to them — should be based on your unique desires.
This list should be written on a worksheet that you divide into four columns like so:
|Similarities||My Vision||Importance 1-5||Difficulty|
After you write your answers under “My Vision” and your partner does the same on their own list, sit down together and share your separate “visions.”
When you come across a vision that you both share, put a checkmark next to it in the first column. Additionally, whenever either of you agrees with a vision that you didn’t think of on your own, add it to your individual lists and put a checkmark next to it as well.
Once you have finished doing this, separate again and rank the importance of each vision in the third column. Ranking something with a 1 means it is of the highest importance to you, while 5 is least important. Finally, in the “Difficulty” column, place a checkmark by those visions you believe would be the hardest for you and your partner to achieve.
Your Individual Relationship Vision Worksheet is complete!
What’s next? You guessed it — combining your individual worksheets from the couples quiz to create a Mutual Relationship Vision.
The point of a Mutual Relationship Vision is not for both of you to agree on everything. We all have different wants and needs, and place different levels of importance on those wants and needs.
This combined vision of your relationship will allow you to see where you have similarities and differences — and be aware of those things that matter more to your partner than they do to you. And vice versa.
It should look like so:
|Our Visions||PARTNER’S NAME
The Our Visions column, not surprisingly, should include all of the visions from your separate worksheets, only writing those that express the same desires once.
If one of you has a vision that the other disagrees with, work together to come up with a way that expresses that sentiment in language that both of you can accept. If you can’t do this, don’t include it.
Place the visions that both of you have rated as most important on your individual lists at the top on this list.
Likewise, put the visions that both of you agree to be least important at the bottom. The rest should just fall somewhere in the middle. Under Difficulty, put a checkmark by those items that both of you have individually marked as being hard to achieve.
And you’re done!
Most likely, you will have a combined list with a good amount of agreement and some places where you differ. This is good and completely normal!
Remember, the point of this couples quiz is for you to have a tool that reminds you of each of your desires and goals in order to work toward them. If something is a 2 for your partner but only a 4 for you, the list is a reminder that you will need to work harder to help them achieve that goal — and vice versa for visions that are more important to you.
Refer to this list regularly and you will be well on your way to creating a relationship that brings both of you the most satisfaction and happiness possible. For additional relationship help, get in touch today!