2220 Mountain Blvd. | Suite 240 | Oakland, CA | 94611
  • 510.701.0846

How to Process Forgiveness in Your Relationships

Forgiveness forms an inevitable aspect of any relationship, whether it is romantic or platonic. It is essential to learn how to forgive in a relationship, especially if you’re trying to move forward after a major hurt or betrayal has occurred. 

However, processing forgiveness is not always easy. It requires a lot of work and introspection, and it has no definite timeline.

The Process of Processing Forgiveness

First and foremost, it is essential to recognize that realizing  forgiveness is itself a process. You may need days, weeks, months, or even years to work through the hurt, pain, and anger that come with a betrayal or hurtful event. 

It is also important to understand that forgiveness does not mean forgetting or condoning hurtful behavior. Rather, it means letting go of the anger and resentment – releasing the hold that the hurtful event has on your emotions and thoughts.

In other words, it’s more about you than it is about them. Remember that as you move through the process.

In Imago therapy, one of the central concepts is the idea that our partners are our teachers. When we are triggered by our partner’s behavior, it is often because they are activating an old wound or trauma from our past. 

This can make it challenging to forgive, because the hurt feels so personal and deep. However, if we can shift our perspective, that can make it easier to move forward. This often involves seeing the hurt as an opportunity for growth and healing rather than purely destructive. 

Strategies for Processing Forgiveness

Practicing Empathy. One strategy for processing forgiveness is to employ empathy. Empathy involves putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes and trying to understand their perspective. 

This can be challenging when we are hurt and angry, but it’s powerful tool for healing. It can help us see that the other person’s behavior was not necessarily a personal attack on us, but rather a reflection of their own inner struggles and wounds. 

When you see your partner as a vulnerable, flawed person – who was likely doing their best – anger and resentment can loosen, enabling you to move towards forgiveness.

Developing Good Communication Skills. Another helpful strategy is to communicate openly and honestly with our partner. This involves expressing our feelings and needs in a non-judgmental way and listening to our partner’s perspective. 

It can be tempting to avoid conversations when we’re hurting and outraged, but they are essential to healing. Imago therapy teaches couples how to communicate effectively and connect on a deeper level, which can be instrumental in the forgiveness process.

Engaging in self-care. You absolutely have to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually when working through a difficult forgiveness process. This can involve activities like exercise, meditation, journaling, and spending time with supportive friends and family members. 

When we take care of ourselves, we are better equipped to handle the emotional demands of forgiveness.

Finding Gratitude. One of the most powerful tools for processing forgiveness is gratitude. Gratitude involves focusing on the positive aspects of our lives and relationships, even in the midst of hurt and pain. 

It can be challenging to feel grateful when you are hurt and angry, but you can start in a simple way, like making a list before bedtime. As you remind yourself of what’s going right, you may find your perspective shifting. By moving the focus to what you appreciate about your partner and relationship, you may find your grip loosening on anger – and you might be able to let go of some of those painful emotions.

Forgiving yourself. Imago therapy also emphasizes the importance of forgiveness for ourselves. This involves forgiving yourself for any mistakes you may have made and letting go of any self-blame or shame. 

When we can forgive ourselves, it becomes easier to extend others the same grace.

As much as we’d like to fine one, there’s no shortcut to forgiveness. It requires work, time, and introspection. But it you use these tools, you’ll find yourself growing in emotional maturity and benevolence in your partnership and all the relationships in your life.


About the Author

Leave A Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Copyright @2020 Dana Cole, LMFT